The Almost 100 Calorie-I'm Not Kidding-Diet Cookie Part I

After eating half a dozen  Chocolate Chip Addiction  Cookies this past weekend, I was trying my darndest to figure out how could I possibly drop ten pounds in the next couple of weeks months so I don't have to wrap myself in an Army blanket or kimono when I squeeze myself into that tankini.  It's gonna get mighty hot sweating like a hooker in the church choir this summer if some inches don't get off my hips and I continue to wear my jeans, sweater tunics and Spanx--how many of those 'shaper' undergarments can a grown woman wear? I wonder.  I also wonder if someone slapped me on the butt while wearing under armour, if their hand would sting and sound like a gun going off...maybe that's why they call them Spanx.  Is there summer Spanx?  Does it matter the older we get or are we just fooling ourselves into thinking we can keep it all tucked in?  I'm thinking Nancy Reagan had something going in those waste-to-toe beach coverups when she and President Hubby frolicked on the beach.  Of course, it wasn't 117 degrees in sunny California like it is out here on the High Plains Hell when all you want to do is skinny dip or lay on the a/c vents in the house until November.

OK, enough Spanx speculation.  Since I have a serious sweet tooth--the Nouveau medical diet gurus would call it a 'Carb Addiction'--I decided that rather than eat lettuce for a week and then find the cookies I hid, I would look into this new 'Cookie Diet' I've seen at various stores.  The b.s. reviews, of course, talk about how easy-peasy this is.  Just eat 5-6 cookies during the day and a 500 calorie dinner at night and watch the pounds fly off.  Googling away from the marketing/sales websites was a different story.  'These aren't Grandma's cookies," said one.  'Kind of tasted like nothing', said another.  Maybe those success stories were paid to say they lost 20 lbs.  Ya' think?  Maybe I'm an idiot to think this could work.  I say, I'm gonna see what I can come up with.

There appear to be several low-calorie, low-carb, no gluten, no nothing recipes out there.  I'm giving this a shot to see if it's even possible.  These will not be Paleo, Vegan or organic and if they are, it's just how the cookie crumbled.  Sorry.  They will have Splenda, Splenda Brown Sugar Blend 'natural' chemicals in them but since I've been pouring Sweet 'n Lo in my coffee since it replaced the saccharin my Grandma always had around, I should have something weird by now growing someplace besides my hips.  So here's my idea of  yummy 'diet' cookies/snacks--and instead of eating 5-6/day I'm going to keep these down to 2-3 MAX.  If my ass hips start looking like Britney's, I'll package and sell 'em.  If I do really lose 10 lbs in some reasonable amount of time, I'll let you know.  If I don't, I'll lie about it--just kidding. Oh, throw in at least 30 minutes on the treadmill, elliptical or dog walk once a week every day you can.  It's good for the dog, your heart and gets the dust and ironing off the gym equipment.

Some information you might not give a darn about find useful if you want to try these.  Almond flour (which you can buy at a ridiculously increased price above regular flour) is available at most grocery stores (and Amazon.com) albeit in the ethnic or gourmet (why?) sections of your grocery store; Bob's Red Mill Almond Meal/Flour, for example.  Almond flour is nutty (no kidding) and slightly sweet so you can use less sugar/Splenda in the recipes.  It makes great bread, too.  Almond flour is a low-carb, great-tasting replacement for regular flour--it reduces carbs by 75%!  That's a really big deal when you want to stuff your face with bread and cookies and know better when trying to get over the menopudge.  It has Vitamin E, Calcium, Magnesium and trace Copper so there's added good stuff in it and the other ingredients.  A 1/4 cup almond flour does have 160 calories but since we will not be sitting down with a spoon and eating it out of the bag, I'm counting on Splenda, eggs, a tiny bit of old-fashioned oats to fill out the filling and keep it thin so to speak.  I'm going to be experimenting with several ideas over the coming days/weeks. These low-carb treats are certainly diabetic friendly as long as you don't eat the whole batch.  Believe me, these don't even begin to taste Atkinsy and icky.  They are really, really good.

Almost 100 Calorie Low-Carb Cookies
 Preheat oven to 350 degrees

4 TBSP Peanut Butter (crunch or creamy--it doesn't matter, same calories)
1 egg
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp vanilla

1/4 c Splenda Brown Sugar Blend
1 c almond flour/meal
1/4 c old fashioned oats
1/4 c pecans

Blend  first five ingredients in medium sized bowl.  Add sugar blend, almond flour and oats.  Stir until mixed and add pecans.  The pecans are optional but they do add a nice crunch and flavor if you're not allergic or a pecanaphobic.

Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and drop by: a) tablespoon/cookie scoop for 115 calorie/4 carb cookies or, b) teaspoon sized for less than 100 calorie and 1 less carb.  Bake for approximately 15 minutes or until edges brown.  Remove from oven, cool on racks and have yourself a nice glass of milk and a couple of cookies.  These are so healthy I can hardly stand it.  Of course, moderation in all things...right? Nah...will power, baby.

Bon bon!

Chocolate Chip Addiction or Julia Must be in My Kitchen

When I was looking for something to take to the Spring Shiloh Shepherd dog show this past weekend something wonderfully sinful, easy to transport and one of those 'OMG, who made these?' cookies, I came across this decadent recipe. 

Yes, I have expensive dogs--aren't they all?--ISSR Shiloh Shepherds -- but learned after the dog investment I am too old lazy to show said dog(s) much less breed them so we spend enormous amounts of cash on high-end dog food for said high-end dog(s), vet bills and various other stupid human things we think our dog(s) must have but not one has ever been in the dog show.  Go figure.

 

Apparently, there is a master pastry chef who must be French, I'm thinkin', (nicknamed 'Mr. Chocolate') and low-and-behold with a little Wiki-web-walking discovered this chef grew up in the South of France, bien sur.  He now owns seven shops in NYC so obviously, he knows what he's doing and who would challenge a chocolate man named Jacques' recipe who's up to his elbows in cookie dough?  That's like throwing away the winning lottery ticket because who wants more money?  It's just stupid and wrong and painfully regretful.

 

Now, you could just go out and buy those little chocolate chips in a bag and probably no one would be the wiser, and you could save yourself a LOT of time but I do love to make things just a bit more complicated, don't I?  So, you should buy a block of the very best chocolate you can buy at your grocery store, chocolate shop or import grocer.  You are going to 'chop' the chocolate into chunks so when you bite into that gooey, thick cookie your eyes will roll back in your head, you will make a little moan and then when you realize everyone is staring at you like you grew a third ear or are indulging yourself in something illicit, you will smile and say, 'I declare, doesn't everyone?'

 

Well, as things don't always go as planned and I'm sure you have visions that I have the perfect kitchen, cook with ease and every little thing is in it's place, you couldn't be more wrong on this day.  The first big piss me off moment problem started with Big Julia, my Kitchenaid mixer. Big J just didn't like the paddle attachment. I fiddled, yanked, caressed and cursed at her to no avail. So thinking something must be wrong with the attachment, I switched it for the wire thingy attachment. Nada, nothing, zilch. I now pull out my hand mixer knowing darned good and well it would not be adequate for this monster recipe but again, when I plugged it in, nothing. I reset buttons, moved to another switch on the wall, but no happy whirring sounds. I moved Big J and the hand mixer to another side of the kitchen balancing them precariously on the edge of the chopping board, plugged her in and whamo! Purred like a kitten. As I began to add the flour, things got a bit out of hand because Big J's bowl was having a devil of a time holding all that butter, sugar and 6 cups of flour. Flour went flying, and all the counters, stove, floor and the Short Dog, Agnies of Pissisi,  were part of the Pillsbury Bleached and Enriched Flour Family. 

I was so glad The Most Wonderful Husband in the World was off buying more mulch while I redesigned our kitchen's color scheme. I don't think he fully appreciates my great efforts to follow in Julia's steps (even though I've nicknamed him 'Paul')--launching rubber spatulas, hacking, slinging and wiping where no one before her dared to go.  Well, all's well. The dogs got sugar-coated and helped clean up the floor, the counters are clean once again and Julia was smiling in the corner.

 
So, fear not!  'You can DO what you must DO!' You can even mix up the dough and refrigerate it for several days or just start right in.

 

Jacques Torres' Secret Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe  (it's not a secret obviously since it was published in the NY Times and I'm blabbing about it right here)

Makes approx 25 5-inch cookies or 8 1/2 dozen 1 1/4-inch cookies--holy cow that's a lot of little cookies, isn't it?  I'm sure dividing the recipe in half is acceptable but who doesn't want dozens of chocolate chip cookies?

Ingredients:

1 pound unsalted butter
1 3/4 cups granulated sugar
2 1/4 cups packed light-brown sugar
4 large eggs
3 cups plus 2 tablespoons pastry flour*
3 cups bread flour
1 tablespoon salt (I used coarse sea salt and it gave a wonderfully salty flavor to the sweetness)
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
some milk...add a little as needed to keep mixer from exploding
2 pounds bittersweet or semi-sweet chocolate, coarsely chopped--use a large chef's knife and don't give up or you can give up and buy chocolate bits...Julia loved them.

Pounds-o-chocolate

Directions - Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment paper or nonstick baking mats--do not grease pans; set aside.  In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment (or if you don't have one, just work those triceps, baby), cream together butter and sugars.  Add eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition.  Reduce speed to low (which by now is exactly how you'll be wishing you'd asked for that KitchenAid appliance for your anniversary) and add both flours, baking powder, baking soda, vanilla, and chocolate; mix until well combined.  Using a 4-ounce scoop for larger cookies or a 1-ounce scoop for smaller cookies (or two tablespoons for large cookies or two teaspoons for little ones), scoop cookie dough onto prepared baking sheets, about 2 inches apart. Bake until lightly browned, but still soft, about 15 minutes for larger cookies.  Cool slightly on baking sheets before transferring to a wire rack.
 
*If you don't have pastry flour which I could not find anywhere,  use cake flour (mine was boxed) and bread flour.

Keep cookies away from dog(s), husbands and small children--take cookies in purse to car or reorganize your closet with a stash of cookies hidden in the laundry basket and eat until you feel really guilty.  See?  Now you can start that diet (juicing ?) you've been meaning to do just in time for those Daisy Dukes and string bikinis...well, maybe.  Doesn't everyone? ;)

Bon chocolat'

Lemon Lust Tart

When the days grow longer (because we can't seem to make up our minds about Spring) and the air is heavy with the dampness of rain, budding trees and teasing us daily with blushes of color as the ground wakens, I long lust for something light, fresh and French. What could be better than a tart au citron? Nothing, sil vous plait. This recipe will have you reaching for your flip flops and a bikini beach towel. The dough is completely unorthodox but simple because you don't even use a rolling pin.  It bakes into the flakiest, butteriest dough you have ever tasted.  The lemon curd filling is tart and uses very little sugar. If there are fresh strawberries to top it off, all the better.

Don't wait another minute. GO MAKE THIS! You will feel like a lemon tree just exploded in your mouth...in a really, good way.

LEMON LUST TART (adapted from David Lebovitz' Tarte au Citron)

Crust
Preheat oven to 425 degrees

For one 9" tart shell
3 oz unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1 TBSP vegetable oil
3 TBSP water
1/8 tsp salt
1 slightly rounded cup all purpose flour

Put everything but flour in a medium-sized oven-proof bowl (I told you this was unconventional cooking), place in oven for 15 minutes until butter is bubbly and browning at the edges.
Be very careful and with oven mitts remove bowl from oven and again being careful, dump flour into bowl, stir quickly until ball forms and it pulls away from sides of bowl.

Put dough in tart pan and lightly spread in bottom of pan with spatula (see, you don't even have to roll this out--how easy is that?). When cool enough to handle (about 10 minutes), pat into pan with heel of your hand and with your fingers, smoosh into sides of tart pan.

Prick the dough with a fork all over then bake for 15 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from oven.
Turn off oven to cool down to 350 degrees if preparing filling below.  Let dough cool before filling.

Lemon Curd Filling
350 degree oven

1/2 c freshly-squeezed lemon juice (about 2 lemons)
grated zest of one lemon (about 1 TBSP)
1/2 c sugar
6 TBSP butter, cut into bits
2 large eggs
2 large egg yolks

In medium-sized saucepan, heat everything except eggs. Beat eggs in small bowl. When butter mixture has melted, whisk a small portion of it into the eggs, stirring constantly. Scrape the warmed eggs back into the butter/lemon mixture and over low heat, stir until it thickens and just begins to bubble around the edges.

 






 
Pour the lemon curd through a strainer pushing through with rubber spatula into the cooled tart shell. Smooth the top, put into oven for 5 minutes to set filling. Remove from oven and let cool before serving.

This dessert is full of Spring.


Bon printemps!

Irish Lace Crumbles

Long ago, if you were a poor Irish peasant, you could usually be found digging up potatoes, sheering sheep or wondering when the property barons were coming for the rent. However,  every once in a while on special occasions, you could make these beautiful, little crumble/cookies with the few ingredients on hand in your nearly bare cupboards.

The beauty of the Irish is making do with what they have. Well, maybe not so much nowadays but I'm thinking if you weren't royals back in the day, you were poor as dirt. The survivors who didn't starve to death from the potato famine left for America and with them came their simple recipes.  Irish Lace Cookies are a bit trickier than I expected but the Crumbles taste rich and cookie-ish so what's not to like?  Me thinks a Pooka or a Changeling got into me kitchen and crumbled me cookies!

Irish Lace Crumbles

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

1 stick (1/2 c) softened butter
3/4 c brown sugar
Cream until light and fluffy.

2 TBSP flour
2 TBSP milk
1 TBSP vanilla
1 1/4 c old fashioned oats--not quick cooking
Mix together and stir into butter/sugar mixture.

1 apple cored--sprinkle with cinnamon and pat of butter--microwave for 2-3 minutes until tender.

Drop dough by teaspoonful onto Pam'd cookie sheets, at least 3" apart and cook for 10-12 minutes--watch carefully so not to burn.  They will be flat.  Remove from oven and let sit on cookie sheet for 1 minute. These are very difficult to remove (if you forget to spray the sheets with Pam) and as such, what was to be cookies turned into crumbles.  If you are very careful and skilled, you can now do one of two things: for flat cookies--with thin, metal spatula, carefully move to cooling racks and let completely cool. Or: remove cookie from sheet and immediately roll up around wooden spoon handle and place on cooling racks until completely cooled. If you try to handle the cookies before they are cool, they will fall apart--I promise--so let them cool.

Place cooked apple on dish, top with crumbles and serve with cookies (if you were able to get a cookie off the darned cookie sheet).

These are delightful, delicate, buttery bites. Impressive enough to serve at tea on a pretty tray if you make the cookies or as a topping for vanilla ice cream, apples or just stuffing into your mouth with a glass of milk.  Just watch out for that Pooka.

Bon The'

No Blarney--A Complete Irish Dinner

OK, so an Irishman walks out of a bar...yes, it is possible.

If you're not lucky enough to be married to an Irishman (Italian), I'm here to help you celebrate St. Paddy's Day with the one you love or like or are just trying to impress by cooking a complete Irish meal, start to finish, with your crockpot and very few ingredients.

St. Patrick's Day is a big enough deal around our house and even non-Irish humans use it as an excuse to wear green, drink green, dance in the street and talk with a bad Irish brogue.  We Scot/Irish lassies love the pinching part (nicely, please) and find the color green a welcoming change of attire from the drab tartans of winter.

In case you ever wondered where all this o'celebratin' came from (and if you didn't wonder, I'm telling you anyway), legend has it there were too many snakes slithering all over creation and St. Patrick arrived just in the nick of time, ordered everyone into the pubs, dancin' and singin' until the noise made the snakes jump into the icy cold waters of the nearby sea, never to be seen again.  Unfortunately, in return, the Irish had to eat potatoes three times a day and even make their ale from the lowly spuds.  I promise it's true.  Swear on a leprechaun and me lucky charms.

Let's move onto some true Irish cuisine: Corned Beef and Cabbage, Colcannon and Irish Soda Bread. Nothing could be simpler than Corned Beef--buy the package of beef that has the little seasoning packet tucked right inside or you can buy a brisket and season it yourself but I truly don't think the trouble is worth it when it's already done for you.  Colcannon may seem like a strange combination--potatoes and cabbage--but it is amazingly good.  The first time I hesitantly made it, I felt sure it would taste really cabbagey but it is a lovely hint of buttery, wholesome goodness you will like--unless you just hate cabbage and you should just go straight to dessert.

Soda bread couldn't be easier but it can also be rather bland and because there is so little fat in it, it will turn into an Irish rock you could kill a snake with.  My little mini breads are tastier because I don't just put together flour, baking soda and buttermilk.  And, fortunately, you do not have to do as our ancestors and bake it in a 'bastible'--cast iron pot with a lid--placed right in the coals of the fire because in the 1800's hardly anyone but the French had a chef's oven to cook in and soda bread delivery never really took off.

St. Paddy's Day Dinner

1 corned beef brisket with seasoning packet
1 can or bottle of beer or ale (any brand)
1 can beef broth
1 head cabbage
1 package baby carrots

Open package of corned beef, place in large crockpot.  Sprinkle contents of seasoning packet on top of brisket.  Pour beer, broth and an additional 12-14 oz (can) water.  This may seem like a lot of liquid but when you add the cabbage and carrots in the end, you want to be sure there is enough to slightly cover the contents so they will cook.  Cook on low for 6-8 hours. About two hours before serving, add carrots.  About one hour before serving, cut whole cabbage into wedges and put all but two wedges into crockpot.  Set aside cabbage wedges that remain to make the Colcannon.  When brisket is done, carrots are tender and cabbage is wilted, remove brisket to serving platter and let rest for 10-15 minutes before slicing. Surround brisket with carrots and cabbage on platter.

St Cabbage

Colcannon

4-6 medium sized potatoes, peeled or not--your choice
2 wedges cabbage
1/2 stick butter
1/4 tsp nutmeg
milk or buttermilk

Cover potatoes and cabbage with water in medium saucepan.  Cook over medium heat until potatoes are tender.  Drain and add 1/2 stick butter and enough milk to make mashed potatoes.  Sprinkle nutmeg and stir in, topping with another pat of butter before serving.

Mini Irish Soda Breads

Preheat oven to 375 degrees

2 c whole wheat flour
1 c all purpose flour
1/4 c brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
Whisk together.  Add 1/4 c butter cut into pieces.  Rub into dry ingredients until pea-sized crumbles.
1 c chopped walnuts - add to mixture.

1 large egg
1 c buttermilk
2 TBSP molasses
Stir liquids and egg  together and gradually add to flour mixture until you have a medium firm dough. Turn out on floured surface and knead LIGHTLY about six turns.  Don't overdo and stop before you think you need to.  Flatten dough into round 2" thick disk.  Cut into 6 wedges.  Shape wedges into balls.  Place on baking sheet, flatten into rounds and with a sharp knife cut a cross on top of each to 'let out the demons steam'.  Bake until golden and tester comes out clean--about 30 minutes.  Transfer to rack.  Serve warm.

All in all, this Irish dinner will fill your belly with a hearty meal.  You might even get that Irish Leprechaun you live with to promise you a rainbow and a pot of gold.  Or maybe he'll just make your fairy tale come true like mine has.

Bonnie Ireland!

Oh, no! Not Drunken Scampi

   
Hubby has left the building. Because? There is someone cooking shrimp--and just the mention of shellfish, lobster, crabs (especially), frog legs, bass or crawdads sends him running. Not, mind you, that he is allergic to said swimmers of the sea. He just hates anything of the fish sort. That's OK. More for me.

To try and redeem this dish as a 'not on my diet' calorie-ridden meal, I have lightly sauteed the little shrimpsters in olive oil/butter. I served (myself) the scampi over low-carb spaghetti to further reduce the calories. You will be pleasantly surprised at the subtle sweetness left from the wine cooler reduction. It's delish.

Oh, no! Not Drunken Scampi

If cooking pasta or rice, prepare according to package directions. Set aside and keep warm.

1-1.5 lbs peeled shrimp--I'm using thawed salad shrimp, tails removed
2 TBSP olive oil
2-3 garlic cloves, chopped
2 TBSP butter/divided
1-2 tsp Old Bay Blackened Seasoning

1/2 bottle Seagram's Fuzzy Navel Wine Cooler


Rinse shrimp and dry well.
Heat 2 TBSP olive oil , 1 TBSP butter and garlic in skillet. When garlic begins to soften, add shrimp, sprinkle Old Bay (generously) and stir for 3-4 minutes until cooked through. Do not overcook shrimp. It only takes a couple of minutes on each side to be done.

Remove shrimp to bowl and keep warm while you make Drunken Sauce.

In same skillet with leftover juices, butter and garlic, pour in 1/2 bottle of the wine cooler. Turn heat to high and let cook for approximately 5 minutes or until reduced to about 1/4 cup of thickened, delicious sauce.  Stir in 1 TBSP butter until melted.

Place pasta in bowl, top with shrimp and pour sauce over all. Slice fresh tomatoes for garnish.  Pour the rest of the wine cooler in a glass and pretend you are somewhere on a beach with Jimmy Buffet singing "Cheeseburger in Paradise".




When I got through cooking and eating, opening the windows and disenfecting all surfaces in the far-reaching kitchen corners that harbor that deadly shrimp odeur, Hubby amazingly returned just in time for a good ole Sabrett Yankee hot dog.  He just doesn't know what he's missing.

Bon crevette!

Breakfast Cheddar Bites

Instead of that bowl of cereal or bagel or donut, whip these little mini muffins up in less than 20 minutes--total time.  Serve them warm out of the oven with a piece of fruit, some cherry tomatoes, a cup of coffee and you'll be out the door getting those spring projects done. These are similar to those holiday cheddar/sausage appetizers but with less calories and more flavor.

First, you need a Mini Muffin Pan ("MMP").  If you don't have one, go buy one but it has to be non-stick because they are a bitch nightmare to clean. I Love my MMP (even if it is Rachel Ray but it was free so I will ignore the orange handles and her presence in my kitchen).   These pans are wonderful for snacks and bite-size, Low(er) Calorie Eating Portion Control.  This recipe can be made, put in the freezer and reheated in the oven all through the week.  They are great for kids and grown-ups. If you want to use light cheese, the calories go down even more and Canadian Bacon can be used in place of ham or forget the meat and go vegetarian. I'm guessing these are probably about 30-40 calories per bite and it would take 3-4 to count as a WW point but I don't really know. I just like to speculate.

If you are a hoarder, at least be organized. You can put all kinds of junk stuff in your MMP--earrings, paper clips, cat food--your cat may not find the humor in having to eat from a dozen little cat bowlettes.  Head games with cats are always good in my opinion. 

Breakfast Cheddar Bites

(makes about 2 dozen mini-bites)

Preheat oven to 425 degrees

1.5 c Pioneer (or Bisquick) Baking Mix (Pioneer is just so much better in my opinion)
3/4 c buttermilk (or make your own by adding 2 TBSP lemon juice or apple cider vinegar to milk)
2 TBSP sugar, optional
1 c grated cheddar cheese
2 eggs
1/2 c chopped ham, optional
1/2 tsp seasoning salt
1/2 tsp pepper
splash of vanilla
Optional add-ins: chopped green peppers, diced onions, mushrooms--think omelettes or pizza toppings

Mix all ingredients.  Spray your MMP with Pam.  Fill pan with about 1 heaping teaspoon batter, bake for 10-12 minutes until tops are golden brown.  Serve warm.

Now, take a few minutes to think about Spring--it's coming and my Daffodils are blooming their crazy little heads off with big smiles on their happy little Daffodil faces.

Bon Printemps!