WITCH'S FINGERS--SAVORY OR SWEET

 

Well, kids--saying goodbye until next year just breaks me up but as they say, 'Got people to do and places to go'.  I wanted to leave you with one more Elvira Finger Food you can cut right out of the can.  You really only need three ingredients and you can make these savory or sweet.  I must admit though, the savory is just bread dough so if you want to spice it up, top with garlic salt, herbs and of course, a great-tasting marina sauce or any other gory goo that tastes good, looks bad and tests your family and friends to  'just how hungry are you that you'd eat some fingers?'

 

 

 

WITCH'S FINGERS - SAVORY

2 cans pizza dough, lightly rolled out and dusted with flour

sliced almonds

tube of red gel food coloring

1/2 jar prepared Marinara Sauce (you can add fresh tomatoes, herbs, sugar or leave it alone), heat and serve as side.

Cut dough in 1/2" strips.  Roll into finger-size logs, scrunching in lengthwise to plump fingers, thumbs or digits.

Gently squeeze for knuckles, put spot of gel coloring at end of finger and lightly press almond into place.  Cut knuckle markings.

Bake as directed--400 degrees for 10-12 minutes.  Let cool.  Dip into bloody marinara.

WITCH'S FINGERS - SWEET

2 cans Pillsbury Sugar Cookie Dough

See above

Elvira is out of here and remember, "I never turned down a friend...or a stranger for that matter!"

 

JOYEUX HALLOWEEN!

 

POISON FROM THE BAR--KEY LIME PIE MARGARITA

'Wastin' away again in Margaritaville'...Jimmy Buffet...I love me some Jimmy B.


Who doesn't love a Margarita, especially in the heart of the country where all Mexican food requires at least one tequilla--rita'd or shot with a lemon wedge and salt? And because everyone should know The Florida Keys have that world-famous Key Lime Pie, what better combination than a Key Lime Pie Margarita!  I've got my itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini on song in my head just thinking about the beach.  Scared ya' there for a minute, didn't I?

Since we're on a time limit to crank these out so we can get straight to watching baseball or Amerian Horror Story, there will be no squeezing the limes in this recipe.  This one will definitely keep you wastin' away and it just looks like a beach drink, doesn't it?

KEY LIME PIE MARGARITA

1 oz Tequila
2 TBSP Musselman's Key Lime Pie Filling (use the rest of the filling for mini-pies, in graham cracker crusts or phyllo)
1 oz Coconut Rum
1/2 lime juiced and pulp, (discard lime)
Splash of water
powdered sugar (to your taste if too tart)

Pour all in blender with handful of ice, blend smooth and pour into glass rimmed with coarse salt, fine sugar and slice of lime.

 

Put on your flip flops and dream of the beach....or your pool...that's now closed...I so hate cold weather.

Bon Argarita!

POISON FROM THE BAR--BAILEY'S WEB

You are not EVEN going to believe how easy and fabulous this poison is...you will impress anyone with this presentation.  If you love Bailey's, Kahlua, etc. this is the drink to make and look at that cute web thingy?  If I'd know they were so easy to make, I'd put them on everything!



Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive. - Sir Walter Scott 

BAILEY'S WEB

per drink:
1 oz Bailey's Irish Cream
1 oz Kahlua
1/2 c vanilla ice cream or Lite Cool Whip (see you could make this low less calories)
1/3 c sugar
Coarse sea salt
Chocolate topping (Smucker's or similar thick topping)--drizzle inside of glass and place in freezer until ready to pour in drink.

Tear off a cookie sheet sized aluminum foil and butter or Pam

In a Non-Stick Skillet on medium high heat, pour in sugar and watch-like-a-hawk-on-a-bunny because this turns golden and syrupy real quick. As soon as the sugar has done its thing, take a teaspoon and dip it quickly into the sugar syrup, make a 3-4" circle on the foil, drizzling and zigzagging to make web.  Continue as quickly as you can and immediately sprinkle salt on webs.  These harden almost instantly.

In a blender, mix ice cream, Bailey's and Kahlua--lumpy or smooth.
Pour into chocolate drizzled glass, gently pushy sugar web onto glass rim and Slainte'! (Salute)

Bon Araignées!

 

POISON FROM THE BAR--BLUE DEATH MARTINI

Whew!  I'm worn out but that's another story probably on another blog.  Had to talk to The Donald about his dumb announcement.  Donald, honey, if you're not telling the world you stopped the comb-over, no one cares!

Anyways, what I'm ready for is a big, blue martini.  This one brought along a friend.  Spooky.

BLUE DEATH MARTINI

Servings: 1

• 2 oz. (60ml) gin
• 1 oz. (30ml) Blue Curacao (blue liqueur)
• Glow Stick
• Shaken, not stirred.

Drink very many of these and you'll think even Jack looks good.

Bon Appetini!

Creamy Tomato Bisque Soup and Ghoul Grilled Sandwiches

  
 

 Well, my Pretties, Elvira had to go do someone, so I've taken over today.  Dorothy and her stupid, little dog, Todo are somewhere in Kansas hoping they don't have to watch anymore football games.

Since it's getting close to the witching hour, I threw together a quick, little snack for the tots in your house.  You could whip this together before you send them out on Halloween or you could make it for yourselves because it's that good and it's as fast as flying on a broom to make.  You will need Halloween cookie cutters for the ghoulwiches.  If you're a boring Mom, just tell the kids to use their imagination.

CREAMY TOMATO BISQUE SOUP

1 can Campbell's Tomato Soup

1 medium fresh tomato, coarsely chopped

OR 1/2 c Red Gold canned tomatoes (or any other good brand of canned tomatoes)

1/2 tsp Basil, fresh from your garden or dry and crumbly from your cabinet

1 TBSP butter

2 TBSP cream cheese

1/2 c water

In medium saucepan over medium heat, saute basil and tomatoes in butter for about 3-4 minutes--see picture.  When thickened, pour in Campbell's soup, water and heat on low.  Add cream cheese and stir. There will be bits and clumps of cheese but it's so yummy and unless you want perfectly smooth soup, get over the lumps.  If you must, pour it in a blender and make tomato sauce.  Keep soup warm while you prepare sandwiches.

 

GHOUL GRILLED SANDWICHES

for each sandwich:

2 slices white or white wheat bread

1 slice American Cheese

olive oil

Heat griddle or skillet on medium high heat, brush both sides of bread with olive oil and lightly brown one side of bread.  Turn over, top with cheese and other piece of bread toasted side towards cheese.  Brown each side of sandwich and place on cutting board.  Press cookie cutter into sandwich and press down through all layers.  Cut around edge with knife, remove cutter and trim any stragglers.  Repeat for each sandwich...rocket science.

Put soup into bowls or mugs, top with eyeballs or your favorite plastic insects.  Serve with ghoulwiches.  Go trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat with your kids, have a safe, sugar high and watch out for flying monkeys.

Bon appetreat!

No Bake Terrifying Truffles

So, it seems we are near the end of our under-age, minors-in-the-kitchen cooking foray--too bad, so sad but maybe we have saved the best for (almost) the last.  Easy and oh so good, nauseatingly rich little bites that go a long way and make you feel very guilty for eating them.  You might like to sit down with a nice, hot cup of coffee or tea or a big glass of milk or a special drink just for Mommies.  The kid part of these is the 'truffelizing'; i.e., rolling the dough in the powdered sugar or cocoa.  Kiddos can have such fun getting it all over the counters, cabinets, floors and themselves--that's why they're Terrifying.  You'll be so proud of Mommie's Little Helpers and I promise you'll be looking forward to Elvira's Evil Concoctions in the coming days when you finally get the mess cleaned up and everyone tucked into their little beds--Early--every night--until they grow up and leave home. 

NO-BAKE ORANGE TRUFFLES

1-12 oz. box of vanilla wafers
1 c white chocolate chips
1 TBSP butter
1/4 c orange juice
1/4 c orange marmalade
2 TBSP maple syrup
1/2 c almonds--pulverized by hand or in food processer
1/2 c sweet flaked coconut
1/2 c powdered sugar
1/2 c powdered unsweetened cocoa

If you trust your kids with a rolling pin, let them smash the vanilla wafers.  If not, into the food processor.  Same for almonds or they can be grated in a grater (the hand held kind).

Place chocolate chips and butter in small saucepan with tight fitting lid.  Fill larger saucepan 1/3 with water, bring to boil, remove from heat and place small, lidded saucepan of chips/butter onto larger saucepan for five minutes.  Stir until smooth and add wafers, almonds and coconut.  Add orange juice, marmalade and syrup, mix well.  Form golfball sized cookies, roll in powdered sugar or cocoa or both and set on tray.  Place in refrigerator for 15-20 minutes.  Try not to eat more than a couple or you will pay with a sugar belly. 

 Store remaining truffles in airtight container or ziploc bag and hide them, for everyone's sake.

Bon appétit!

HALLOWIENERS, MUMMY DOGS AND WHO'S FRANK?

RATED PG-13

Well, I can't tell you how excited Elvira got when I told her about the HalloWIENERS, MummyWIENERS and GhostWIENERS.  She really is such a slut.  She just couldn't wait to get her hands on those Oscar Mayers, humming that little 'Oh I wish I had an Oscar Mayer Wiener' tune.  I haven't seen her this happy since she told a guest on her show to 'Grab your tool and start banging!'.  OK, you see this is only going downhill from here.  She snatched that package-o-wieners out of my hands, gently took them out of their wrapper and asked me what she was supposed to do with them?  "Where's the big ones...I mean brats?  I bet you think these are 6" wieners and where the heck is Frank?"  Well, I had to take over and just in time.  Scary just thinking about it.

These fun little bites (or big ones, depending on your depth perception) can be timid or spiced up for the grown-ups, simple or a bit more graphic.  So let's see what comes up...so to speak.

HALLOWIENERS/MUMMY DOGS

Easy, kid version

Grab a package of your favorite hot dogs, turkey franks or tofu things
1-2 packages of refrigerated crescent rolls
sliced American cheese
mustard

Separate the crescents by twos, pinch seams and cut into 1/4" strips--carefully stretch the strips into a thin rope.  Cut a small slit in the wiener and insert slivers of cheese.  Starting at top of wiener, wrap with crescent strips leaving a space at top for it's cute, little face.  Place on Pam'd or parchment-lined cookie sheet.  Bake at 350" until puffy and done--about 12 minutes.  Dot small mustard dots for eyes.   Serve with mustard or 'bloody' ketchup for dipping.

Adult version

Get hot dogs or bratwurst
2 packages of crescent rolls
Pepperjack cheese
spicy mustard
jalapenos, optional
whole cloves if you want to be cute and really care if they look like mummies

Plain mummies can be done exactly as kid version except slip in a few chopped jalapenos and brush inside of cresent strips with spicy mustard before rolling dogs.

For hilariously-formed mummies:

Prepare the limbs - cut 4 hot dogs into thirds.  Take the 4 center pieces and cut in half lengthwise (these will be legs).  The two ends left over will be the arms.  Wrap body (whole wiener) first then attach two of the cut hot dog end pieces to a full uncut dog (the body) with a toothpick--stick out of the arm so it can be removed after baking.  Attach leg pieces accordingly.  Wrap with dough--leaving face' and 'hand ends unwrapped.  Insert cloves or peppercorns for eyes, make tiny slit for mouth.  If you are having an adult only party, add anything Elvira-ish where appropriate (male or female).  Bake, when done remove toothpicks and serve with spicy mustard, spicy ketchup (add a little chile powder or Tabasco) or curry-mayo.

GHOST WIENERS

Cut hot dogs into thirds, cut crescent pieces into 3-4" circles with anything that size--shot glass, lid, etc.  Stand up dog on Pam'd cookie sheet, drape with crescent--shaping into ghostly apparition, poke peppercorns for eyes and after baking remove.  Bake and boo!  Your wieners are just downright frightening.  Don't get a complex.  Size really doesn't matter.

BONE APPÉTIT!

DIRTY PUPPY CHOW

 

 

Elvira got a bad case of munchies so she threw together a quick, snack to satisfy her momentary chocolate cravings.  As you can tell, she has a twisted sense of humour with the lost dog and all.  However, I reminded her that not having children of her own (and only finding them beneficial for spells and stews) was no excuse to forget our mission of fun, kid food.  She refused to submit the 'brat' version unless there was an 'adult' version included.  WARNING:  This stuff is addictive albeit unattractive.  Don't blame me if you get a bellyache from not showing some sign of maturity while gorging the whole bowl.   And please limit your children's snacking unless, of course, hyper is your idea of a fun day.  One very important note--DO NOT ALLOW YOUR DOGS TO EAT THIS--CHOCOLATE IS POISON FOR CANINES...and it leaves all of it for the piggy, inhabitants of your household.

WHO FORGOT TO FEED THE DOG PUPPY CHOW

Kid Version

8 c rice cereal

1/2 c peanut butter

1 c semi-sweet chocolate chips

1 c powdered sugar

1 TBSP butter

Fill medium saucepan 1/3 with water--bring to rapid boil--remove from heat.  Pour chips and butter into smaller saucepan with tight fitting lid and place onto larger saucepan.  Let sit for five minutes.  Stir and add peanut butter.  When smooth, add cereal and stir to coat.  If you feel the need for yet more chocolate and peanut butter, repeat previous melting method and gunk up your cereal real good.  Put powdered sugar in a gallon size ziploc, add gunky, chocolate/peanut butter coated cereal and shake (after closing).  Pour into dog bowls, cereal bowls or just shove into your mouth with your fingers.  Be sure to add plenty of plastic centipedes, flies, spiders and other assorted kid-screaming insects. 

Adult Version

Same as above except add the following in place of the butter:  KAHLUA OR BOURBON (think holiday bourbon balls).  Easy on the bourbon--in the recipe and at happy hour.  It won't be necessary to have a designated driver while eating these but couldn't hurt to have one if you take these to a party.  You can also add pecans, sugar-coated or plain, for protein.  It's healthy.  It cancels the bad stuff. 

No insect adornments necessary. 

Bark appétit!

SPIDERWEB ENGLISH MUFFINS

(NOTE--this week, being the week before the big Halloween weekend, Elvira will be cooking kiddie stuff (gross to us adults, but fun for the kids) AND brewing up some beverages you'll want to try at your Adult celebrations so stay tuned, be a kid, have a glass of milk, a brewsky or a shot of scary stuff).

Elvira can be pretty stupid sometimes but she generally figures things out...eventually.  It's just difficult to keep her mind on cooking when she's such a bad girl.  She just stares at hubby and won't focus on her other duties.

Well,  I warned you early on there would be times when nothing comes out right--you follow the recipe to a tee and it sucks.  You tweak it and it sucks.  You go with your first instinct and TADA!  you have to change it from what it was going to be because although it doesn't suck, it has nothing to do with the original concept.  That's what happened with these little, golden spiderwebs.  They are supposed to be all wispy, airy and spiderweb-looking but no matter what I did (three flipping times), they just didn't do what I wanted them to. 

My first mistake was probably trying to make these on a high-humidity, Florida-type day.  Summer has come back with a vengeance.  Anyway, that's what I think happened.  I decided right from the get go to tweak.  Sometimes, tweaking results in nothing you planned originally which was this case.  However, the dogs are always very happy when I tweak.  I had added an egg white to the mixture thinking it would 'lighten' the webbiness of the webs--it did not.   So, next, I followed the recipe to a tee and it became worse.  They baked too quickly and they looked like...well, we shouldn't go there but the dogs were most happy to hide the evidence.  Lastly, I said heck with it and just grated the darned stuff without any additions except the seasoning salt and it just cooked into a blob.

I feel from my years as a Mom with young kids that you can always convince your kids your meals are wonderful, especially if you have boys and especially if you add a plastic insect.  They will shriek with delight or turn you in to DHS.

If this incredibly, difficult recipe is too much for you, just slap a slice of American cheese on your child's English Muffin, cram a plastic bug in it and tell them it's Halloween food.  They probably won't know the difference. 

NOTE:  These were supposed to be an appetizer--little, crunchy, airy, cheesy appetizers...not this time.  The dogs ran away when they saw the last bunch go into the oven.

(NOT APPETIZER) SPIDERWEB (NOW) ENGLISH MUFFINS

Grate 1/2 c Swiss cheese and 1/2 c Cheddar cheese
You can add an egg white or a whole egg if you want this to be more of an omelette--up to you
Mix 2 TBSP flour and 1/4 tsp Seasoning Salt--if you make these for an adult or non-averse-to-new-flavors child, then add
a pinch of smoked, sweet, Paprika

Line a cookie sheet with parchment and drop tablespoon dollops on sheet.  Spread/flatten dollops and maybe you'll get a web!
Cook in 375 degree oven approximately 10 minutes until the edges barely start to brown.  Remove from oven, cool and remove with very thin, metal spatula.  Top with insects, place on toasted English Muffin.  Bug appétit!

Queen of Sheba Chocolate Cake

When I was a kid, I remember hearing, 'Who do you think you are, The Queen of Sheba?'  At the time, I had no idea who this Sheba Queen was but I knew I'd better get down off my high horse and straighten up--FAST.  I was smart enough to figure out being Queen might have its privileges since She apparently could do whatever She wanted to.  Hmmm...maybe I could grow up and be a Queen of Something someday.

Well, there really was a Queen of Sheba and whether she was a spoiled, snotty bi witch is beside the point.  It seems almost everyone at some time or place proclaimed her their Queen; King Solomon, the Romans, Ethiopia, the Middle East and lord knows who else.  This girl got around and must have been worn out with all that throne-sitting and queenly chore-doing clear back to the 10th century BC.  One thing for sure is she must have loved chocolate or Madame Julia would never have named this perfect cake after her.  I really like to think it was Cleopatra who floated around on her Pleasure Barge (for real) with all her boytoys licking chocolate off her fingers before she stuck that snake up her neck.

The first thing you want to do is allow some time to do this right and when you decide to make this fabulous creation, buy the best ingredients you can (you should always do that--save your coupons and bargains for the routine stuff like groceries, dog food, etc.).  Get out your big girl appliances (KitchenAid if you have one, electric hand mixer if you don't) and mise en place--mess in place--because you don't want to get started and realize you don't have eggs or butter.

So, as Julia Child said, "We’re going to make the best chocolate cake you ever put in your mouth!"  Let's do it and don't be afraid...if I can make this, you can, too.  It's a bit of effort--but isn't anything that's worth it? 

Reine de Saba: Queen of Sheba Cake

“A very special cake of almonds, butter, and chocolate that is somewhat moist in the center – it literally melts in the mouth." --Julia

Note: This is the spongecake type where beaten egg whites are folded into the batter. You want to be sure here that the melted chocolate is still warm and smooth so that the egg whites can be folded in easily. 

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

• 8" round pan--buttered then floured (put the butter on your fingers, grease the pan, put a couple TBSP flour in pan, shake around and throw out what doesn't stick--just a light coating--you can use cocoa powder instead of flour)
• 3 oz sweet baking chocolate*
• 1 oz unsweetened chocolate*
• 2 TBSP rum, Kahlua or dark brewed coffee
• 1 stick room temperature unsalted butter (or if salted, do not add salt)
• 1/2 c sugar
• 3 egg yolks and the whites, separated--absolutely perfectly separated...no yellow in the white and eggs must be room temperature
• 1/4 tsp cream of tartar
• 2 TBSP sugar
• 1/3 c almonds, ground fine and 1/2 c sliced for decorating cake
• 2 More TBSP sugar
• 1/4 tsp almond extract
• 1/2 c sifted CAKE FLOUR--very important--go buy a box of Swans Down or Softasilk--and in a sifter set on wax paper, sift the flour into a small bowl

*you can actually use 2/3c semi-sweet chocolate chips in place of the sweet and unsweetened chocolate

In a medium sized saucepan, fill about 2-3" water and bring just to a simmer.  Put the chocolate chips (or break up the chocolate pieces) in a smaller saucepan, add rum or coffee.  Remove hot water pan from heat, place smaller saucepan with tightly-fitted lid in the hot water for about 5 minutes.  It should melt and be very smooth.  If not, reheat the water, remove from heat and put the pan back in, stirring until the chocolate is smooth and shiny.

Have two mixing bowls at hand--one medium large for beating the egg whites and a larger one for beating butter, sugar and egg yolks and final batter mixing.

Cut the butter into pieces and using an electric handheld mixer, beat it until creamy, soft and fluffy.  Add the sugar and beat for 1 minute, then beat in the egg yolks.  Set aside while you beat the egg whites.

 IN A COMPLETELY CLEAN, DRY BOWL AND WITH PERFECTLY CLEAN BEATERS, empty egg whites into large mixing bowl and beat on low speed until foamy about two minutes.  Add a pinch of salt and the cream of tartar.  Increase the speed to fast until the eggs form soft peaks.  Gradually beat in the 2 tablespoons sugar until stiff shiny peaks form--they will hold their shape like tall, curly mountains.

Immediately, by hand with a rubber spatula, blend in the melted chocolate into the YELLOWISH yoke/butter/sugar mixture NOT THE EGG WHITES, then add the ground almonds and extract.  Blend, then gently stir in a quarter of the egg whites into this mixture scooping straight down into the chocolate and scooping straigt back up over and over with a tablespoon or two of flour.  Do not beat the ingredients--the air of the beaten egg whites causes the cake to rise when cooking.  Continue adding egg whites and flour until blended.

Pour batter into pan, tilting the batter in all directions so it runs up to the rim all around and put in preheated oven, middle rack for approximately 25 minutes.  The cake is done when it has puffed to the top of the pan and a toothpick 2-3" from edge comes out clean.  The center should move slightly when the pan is shaken.  When done, remove and place on cooling rack for 15 minutes.  Place another rack on top of cake and while holding bottom rack, flip cake onto rack.  Remove pan then flip back over so top of cake is upright.   Let cool completely for two hours before icing.

 

Glacage au Chocolat (Chocolate-Butter Icing)

• 1/3 cup (2 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips
• 2 tablespoons dark rum or brewed coffee
• 5 to 6 tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature

1. Repeat melting chocolate method as used above for cake
2. Take chocolate pan out of the hot water and beat in the butter using a wooden spoon, 1 tablespoon at a time.
3. Set the bowl of chocolate over a bowl filled with ice water or place in fridge. Let cool to spreading consistency.
4. Using a small spatula, spread the icing over your cake.
5. Finish with slivered almonds placed around edge or cover the top with almonds or powdered sugar.

Merde alors!--call the maid to clean up the mess you just made in the kitchen.  Congratulate yourself--you just made a French dessert!  

Ace of Spades Potato Supreme

Back in the 70's when I first moved here, there used to be a very, groovy, 'yeah, baby' restaurant in the downtown area called 'The Ace of Spades'.  I'm not sure what they were smoking when they designed it but with the black walls, neon paint and wooden floors, you expected Jimi Hendrix  (who would often be heard in the background with Janis Joplin and The Doors) to walk by and flip a peace sign.  Remember when people actually smoked sitting at their tables and the air hung heavy and smelled of Kools and Marlboros?  The Ace was actually more like a sleazy casino buffet in Vegas on the north end of the Strip sans Elvis.  For all I know, there might have been illegal slot machines and poker tables in the back (kind of like the Elks Club ran until they got busted).

The scene here was loud and crowded but the best thing going was their Baked Potato Supreme.  I'm talking LOADED, as were many of the patrons.  I'm pretty sure I remember how good this spud was...

So why not put on your bellbottoms, stick a flower in your hair,  roll up a ...chair and let's put a bet down on the Best Little Tater in Tulsa.  Inexpensive and very satisfying.  Far out.


LOADED POTATO SUPREME

1 large baking potato, baked
1 TBSP Cottage or ricotta cheese
1 cooked boneless chicken breast, sliced, and/or cooked, crumbled bacon, sliced ham
sliced black olives
chopped green onion, green pepper, cucumber, tomato
sauteed in butter sliced mushrooms
shredded cheddar and/or swiss, provolone, emmenthaler, comte
lettuce leaves
salad sized lettuce pieces


Place baked potato on plate lined with lettuce leaves.  Cut open, fluff with fork, add butter and mix lightly.  Scoop a little well in the potato and place the cottage or ricotta cheese inside, cover with more potato.  Place chicken breast on top (or move onto the veggies if you are having a meat-free meal) with shredded or sliced cheese, and add whatever you like until the potato is full of your favorite things.  If you want to top everything with the lettuce pieces, you can also add your favorite dressing and you now have a high-calorie salad. 

SAD, SKINNY POTATO - top with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, olives and eat dry.  If I were you, I'd rather not eat but you would should cut the potato into thirds and load it up.  Who wants to eat boring food? 
Not me--EVER!

Strozzapreti Pasta--The Strangled Priest

Ciao!  In 2007, my best friend, Debby and I drove across Italy.  We got our Fiat, headed for the Autostrada--she with a grin on her face when we hit 90 mph, me with a bottle of Xanax and the feeling this might be the last, coolest thing we ever do.  When Mercedes, Audi's and  motorcycles pass you like you're standing still, it does take a day or two to unclench your fingers and not fear having to change your underwear.  Our first destination upon leaving Florence was Rimini on the Adriatic coast.  We fell in love with the cobblestone streets, the sea breezes and most of all the wonderful Italian people and their unbelievably good food!  Every city and town we went to was a food orgy--from Venice to Tuscany to Umbria and anyplace in between.  The simplest, freshest ingredients turned out dishes and flavors we so wanted to duplicate when we got home.

One of our favorite pastas was Strazzopreti--which literally means 'priest stranglers'.  In the 18th century, the oppressed people of the Romagna area rebelled against the papacy.  The women cooked this rich, twisted pasta, invited the priest for dinner and the husband hoped the priest would literally choke to death on the meal.  Whether true or not, be sure you take your time when indulging at the table.  Our Strazzopreti was, at our best guess, simply cooked with small pieces of wild boar, finely chopped walnuts topped with Pecorino Romano cheese that melts into a heavenly sauce.  The type of cheese you use will determine the mild or bold flavor of this dish so choose accordingly.  For a bolder taste, I used Parmigiano Reggiano but Pecorino Romano is my recommendation. You can always add any Italian herbs and spices such as basil and rosemary or instead of a white sauce, cook up a Bolognese red sauce...I'll talk about that another time.

Even though we are fairly close to the Razorback piggies of Arkansas ('SooooooPigs!') , we do not have on hand any wild boar.  You can substitute pancetta, salami or even bacon.  I chose Soppressata which has a stronger, saltier flavor and it was delicious with the crunch of the walnuts.  You can leave out the meat for a vegetarian version.  If you cannot find strozzapreti pasta (Whole Foods or order through Amazon or any Italian on-line grocer), substitute with fusilli--you want the pasta to choke the sauce in its crevices...no pun intended, of course.

STROZZAPRETI
1 lb pasta
sea salt
1/4 c walnut pieces
1/4 c pancetta, Italian salami or bacon
1 egg yolk, 1/4 c cream, 1/4 c white wine
1/2 c grated Pecorino Romano cheese and more to grate at table
1-2 TBSP olive oil


Take walnuts and roast on baking sheet in 325 degree oven for 10 minutes, remove and chop into small pieces.  Chop the meat into very small pieces.  Put a tablespoon olive oil in skillet or saucepan and saute meat to heat through.  Keep warm.  Right before serving, heat cream, wine and cook until reduced and thickened--about 10 minutes.  Add meat and walnut pieces and stir.

Grate 1/2 c Pecorino Romano cheese.  Cut more for grating at table.

In a large pot, fill 3/4 with water and a handful of sea salt.  Bring to rapid boil.  Add pasta and cook al dente (just firm enough to be done but not wimpy and overcooked).  Drain but do not rinse the pasta and hold out 1/4-1/2 c liquid to refresh the pasta.  Put pasta into serving dish and add some of the liquid--you can add more later if you prefer.  Immediately mix egg yolk and cheese into the warm pasta, drizzle with 1-2 TBSP olive oil, stir in sauce.

GOLDEN BEETS

These were so easy and soooo delicious.  Just peel, cube, drizzle with olive oil and heat in a 375 oven for approximately 25 minutes or until fork tender.  Coat with 1-2 TBSP honey, stir and let caramelize for another five minutes.  Lightly sprinkle some fresh basil right before serving.  These do not taste like the canned beets we were forced to eat as kids.  Trust me on this.

Serve with chunks of Italian, crusty bread and Chianti Classico. Magnifico!

Steak or Vegetarian--You Decide

In this part of the country, nothing beats a big, thick juicy Black Angus steak grilled to perfection...unless you're a vegetarian.  Lucky me, when I came across fresh green beans and fall sweet potatoes at the local Aldi's to go with my ribeye ...love that store (always reminds me of little European grocery stores).  Picked up some fresh mushrooms, brought it all home and couldn't wait to put a fork in it while we watched the Sooners beat whoever they were playing (Texas?) in the Big 12.

For the steak - buy a good-sized Ribeye or New York Strip so you can split it with your honey.  You need to buy McCormick's Montreal Grill Mates Montreal Steak Seasoning.  Please, please do not marinate your steak--it just makes them mushy.  About one hour before you plan to grill your steak, remove it from its packaging, dry it off with paper towels, season both sides with the steak seasoning AND rub a thin coat of brown sugar into both sides and set it aside.  This allows those flavors to really blend into the meat.  If you have big dogs, definitely hide it in the microwave or your cool oven.  Trust me about this.

For the green beans - if you've never made fresh green beans, there's a little something I learned from watching Madame Julia's videos from The French Chef and that's blanching.  It makes all the difference in flavor and color of the vegetables--just an extra step or two for wonderful results.  The first thing you need to do is SNAP the beans.  Put your beans in a bowl, get a smaller bowl for the pieces you'll be snapping off and throwing away and a strainer for the newly-snapped beans. Sit down and watch something on TV that's not too interesting 'cause this is only going to take about 10 minutes.  Snap off the ends of the green beans and if they are longer than 2-3", snap the bean in half--throw them in the strainer and when finished, rinse them thoroughly and shake off excess water.  Fill a large pan with water and add about 2-3 TBSP salt--I always use coarse sea salt--easier to grab with your fingers and you can just keep it sitting out in a cute, little bowl by the stove.  About 30 minutes before you plan to eat, get the water to a rolling boil and carefully drop the green beans in.  Let them cook for about 8-10 minutes but NOT until they are done--you will have to take a bean out of the water and see if it is crunchy-but-starting-to-get-tender by tasting it, maybe several different times.  At this point, immediately remove from stove, pour in strainer and run cold water over the beans to stop the cooking process.  Shake off water and set aside until you are ready to cook.  If you want to throw in some new potatoes, you can cut those up, boil them until almost tender and add them to the beans.  When you are ready to heat the beans for serving, if you are vegetarian, add about 1/4-1/2 c vegetarian stock.  Cook until barely tender.  If you are not vegetarian, you can add chicken broth and a little plop of butter to finish or cook some bacon until a bit of bacon grease starts oozing out, add the beans, stir, then add the broth.  Of course, salt and pepper to taste.  OK, I know this seems like a big pain in the butt doing all this prep work for a stupid green bean, but it's the difference in 'oh my gosh these are good' and 'no comment' because they came-out-of-a-can green beans.

For the Sweet Potatoes - Scrub, prick with fork, place on rack in oven at 400 degrees OR wrap in foil and place on upper rack of grill about 30-45 minutes before you cook steak.  When done, serve sliced, halved or whole.  Your choice, your calories.  Top with butter.  Yum.

For the Creamy Mushroom Sauce - Rinse mushrooms under water and gently dry with paper towels or a soft cloth.  Cut off bottom of stem and throw away, then slice and dice.  When ready to cook, put 2 TBSP butter and 2 TBSP olive oil in skillet or saucepan, saute mushrooms for just a few minutes, pour on 1/2 c cream, stir well and add 1/2 c white wine (or broth or water).  Cook on medium low heat with lid off until reduced and thickened--about ten minutes.

Fire up grill to high heat.  When you cannot hold you hand 3-4" from the heat without it feeling like your hand is on fire, the grill is ready for the steak.  Put the steak on the grill AND DO NOT MOVE IT.  Don't flip it, don't rub it, don't peek at it.  Let it cook for about 5 minutes, then with your tongs, gently flip it to the other side.  For a 1" steak, rare is going to take about 3-4 more minutes; medium 5-6 minutes and well done is when it shrivels up and looks like a boot.  Remove from heat, put a dollop of butter on top and let it rest for 5-10 minutes.  It will be one of the best-tasting steaks you've ever had.  Guaranteed.

Blueberry Bites

I love blueberries almost as much as strawberries and the great thing about them is they are always available in the freezer section of the grocer.   You can also haul yourself to a blueberry farm and pick your own but most of us find the cute cardboard boxes very attractive in the produce section at the grocery store.  Besides, who has time to pick blueberries?  So, here's some hints about 'blue baking'. 

First, if you don't want your batters to turn blue which I personally think looks wonderful, you will need to dust the blueberries in a light coating of flour before adding them to whatever you're baking.  Secondly, they will stain anything and everything they get on so be absolutely sure your countertops and sink are protected and rinsed immediately if any blue stuff gets on them--fingers and mouths also apply.

These little Blueberry Bites can be prepared two ways--slow from scratch, half-assed scratch or Betty Crocker to the rescue with her Wild Blueberry Muffin mixes.  I'll detail the options but personally, I doubt anyone will know the difference from a box and you'll get to sit down with that cup of coffee or tea a lot sooner if you cook with Betty.


By the way, these can also be pancakes, sliced breakfast breads or obviously, full-size muffins depending on the pan you use and thickness of the batters.  Increase oven time accordingly.

BLUEBERRY BITES FROM SCRATCH *(Half-assed from scratch follows)

Heat oven to 350 degrees, bake for 15 minutes in greased mini-muffin pans. Watch them around 10-12 minutes on the first batch and when a toothpick comes out clean in the middle, they are done.  Flip onto cooling rack and glaze.

Mix well:
2 c all-purpose flour
1 c sugar
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp baking powder

In a separate bowl, beat:*(same wet ingredients for half-assed)
1 egg
1/4 c buttermilk
1/4 c milk
1/3 c vegetable oil (or applesauce for lower fat)

Add dry ingredients, mix well  If too thick, add a little milk.  If too thin, add a bit of flour. 
Rocket Science

Gently fold in 1 c fresh (or thawed from frozen) blueberries.  Fill muffin tins 1/2 full.  Bake until golden.  Glaze.

GLAZE:
1 TBSP lemon juice
1/4 c powdered sugar
drizzle on warm muffins

Blend well and if too thick, add very small amounts of lemon juice to thin.  If too thin, add more sugar.  If this is too difficult, go to the bakery or get someone else to make these for you.

*HALF-ASSED SCRATCH

2 c Pioneer (or similar) Baking Mix
see above for wet ingredients, bake and glaze

BETTY TO THE RESCUE 

1 Box Betty Crocker Wild Blueberry Muffin Mix
follow box directions but add 1/4 c buttermilk and 1/2 c milk OR 3/4 c milk if you don't have buttermilk
bake and glaze

If you'd rather top these with a CRUMBLE instead of a glaze:

CRUMBLE TOPPING:
Mix:
1/2 c brown sugar
1/3 c flour
1/4 c butter cut into pieces
1/2 c chopped pecan pieces
Sprinkle on top before baking

Paris Food Porn

When you are fortunate enough to travel, there is one city for me,  PARIS!  You could eat your way through a market every day of the week at some location within the city.  Fresh produce, cheese, bread, meats and wine are commonplace.

Doesn't it make you want to cook something wonderful just looking at the pictures?

 
That's exactly what my best friend, Debby, and I and my 85 year old Mother did this past May.  As you can see, we ate and cooked like little cochons (pigs)!





 
Here in the USA, when you can and if you can, buy local.  You support your farmers and the quality of your food is incomparable to what we buy in most stores.

Our le petite déjeuner (breakfast)

French Onion Soup

Nothing smells better on a cold day than the earthy fragrance of onions cooking in a rich, brothy liquid.  It's easy to forget how wonderful this simple soup really is--inexpensive and full of flavor that will put a smile on everyone's face  (except yours when you cry slicing the onions).  A very satisfying meal all by itself.  Let's get started!

FRENCH ONION SOUP

2-3 yellow onions per two servings
1 TBSP olive or vegetable oil
2 TBSP butter
sprinkling of sugar
salt to taste
3 c beef stock (broth--preferably homemade...right...or low sodium boxed or canned or vegetable stock for you vegetarians)
1/2 c white wine--nothing fancy--whatever's on hand and if it isn't, there should always be wine on hand (or in hand)
2 thick slices of French, Italian or any good day-old European style, crusty bread
several slices of Swiss--you can also use Provolone, Comte or any mild-white cheese or combination

First, pour yourself a glass of wine. 

Peel and slice the onions.
Heat the oil in a heavy, medium-sized saucepan and add onions, stir and add butter. Stir again and reduce heat to low.  Do not cover the pan!
Cook for 20 minutes until translucent--stirring occasionally.  It's OK if there are some overly browned onions because they will all end up brown with some almost-burned bits and pieces. 
Sprinkle onions with 1 tsp sugar and salt, increase heat to medium and cook until onions have caramelized into a gorgeous, golden brown.
Slowly pour 1 cup of broth over onions, scraping the goodies off the bottom of the pan and add the remaining 2 cups broth.  Simmer on low for another 10-15 minutes.  Do not cover the pan!

While soup is simmering, place sliced bread on broiling pan, drizzle lightly with olive oil and broil just until toasty.  You will do this again when the bread is on the soup, so don't burn it up!  Remove from oven, set aside.

Take a potato masher or similar object and 'lightly' mash the onions.  This will thicken the soup slightly and you won't have to add flour or cornstarch.  Ladle equal amounts of soup into oven-proof bowls about 2/3 full.  Place bread slices on top of soup and cover entire top of bowls with slices of cheese, yes over the edges--but if you're anal, you can cut-out nice curvy, little, even edges inside the bowl and definitely go have another glass of wine because you're irritatingly too neat and should just go out to eat.  Place under broiler and watch like a hawk.  As soon as the cheese is bubbly and starting to brown, carefully remove from oven. 

Remind your other diner THE BOWL IS HOT!  Bon appétit, y'all.

Pumpkin Pie Pancakes

Let's talk about pumpkins and what a royal pain cleaning, cutting and cooking can be with these orange overgrown squashes.  So, basically, I don't cook with them but occasionally I'll carve one for Halloween or buy a little one for the dogs to play with.  OK, purists out there, just go someplace else--this isn't for you. This is simple, quick cooking. 

So, on a crisp, cool morning, I asked Hubby, "Would you like pumpkin pancakes or waffles?"  "PANCAKES." I grabbed my newly-purchased 'Pumpkin Pancake' mix and tweaked it from the usual 1 EGG and MILK. NOTE: This is so simple that even a non-Pumpkin Pancake mix works--just get out your favorite baking mix (Pioneer is my fav), Aunt Jemima--whatever is on hand and add 1 teaspoon Pumpkin Pie Spice Mix  (or nutmeg and cinnamon), add 1/4-1/2 cup buttermilk (low-fat is fine) and after mixing into a very thick batter just thin with milk--a little at a time. If you want to put a tablespoon of canned pumpkin, now's the time--just adjust your liquids accordingly.

Heat your skillet or griddle on medium-high heat until water sizzles when flicked onto your pan, drizzle about a tablespoon of butter or oil onto the surface then scoop out 1/3-1/2 cup batter (use a measuring cup for similar-shaped sizes) or just scoop and quickly pour batter onto hot surface. When your pancake has gotten all bubbly and the edges are starting to brown, quickly flip--if the batter goes everywhere but where it should, just push it gently back into a circular shape or feed it to your dog after it cools.  Let the pancake cook for about 30-45 seconds and place on a warm plate or oven-proof platter in your oven.

Voila! Fast and delicious served with warm syrup and plenty of real BUTTER. We never, ever use margarine. It's a sin. If that's how you want to cook, go see your priest and ask forgiveness.

EASY, FAST PUMPKIN PANCAKES
Heat skillet or griddle on medium-high heat until water sizzles, warm syrup for 1 minute in microwave safe pitcher, prepare batter:
2-3 cups Pumpkin Pancake mix (add 1 tsp Pumpkin Pie Spice or 1/2 tsp each Nutmeg and Cinnamon if using regular, plain pancake mix)
1 egg
Buttermilk (make your own if you don't have any--1 c milk, add 2-3 TBSP vinegar, let sit until thickened)
Milk or water to thin batter to your liking--too thick takes too long to cook, too thin and you have crepes
Stir all ingredients well.
Drop 1 TBSP butter or oil onto heated surface, pour 1/3-1/2 cup batter onto skillet until bubbly, flip, cook through and serve.  

If you're worried about calories, just eat one and use low-calorie syrup.  But you'll want more than one.  Trust me.