The Almost 100 Calorie-I'm Not Kidding-Diet Cookie Part I

After eating half a dozen  Chocolate Chip Addiction  Cookies this past weekend, I was trying my darndest to figure out how could I possibly drop ten pounds in the next couple of weeks months so I don't have to wrap myself in an Army blanket or kimono when I squeeze myself into that tankini.  It's gonna get mighty hot sweating like a hooker in the church choir this summer if some inches don't get off my hips and I continue to wear my jeans, sweater tunics and Spanx--how many of those 'shaper' undergarments can a grown woman wear? I wonder.  I also wonder if someone slapped me on the butt while wearing under armour, if their hand would sting and sound like a gun going off...maybe that's why they call them Spanx.  Is there summer Spanx?  Does it matter the older we get or are we just fooling ourselves into thinking we can keep it all tucked in?  I'm thinking Nancy Reagan had something going in those waste-to-toe beach coverups when she and President Hubby frolicked on the beach.  Of course, it wasn't 117 degrees in sunny California like it is out here on the High Plains Hell when all you want to do is skinny dip or lay on the a/c vents in the house until November.

OK, enough Spanx speculation.  Since I have a serious sweet tooth--the Nouveau medical diet gurus would call it a 'Carb Addiction'--I decided that rather than eat lettuce for a week and then find the cookies I hid, I would look into this new 'Cookie Diet' I've seen at various stores.  The b.s. reviews, of course, talk about how easy-peasy this is.  Just eat 5-6 cookies during the day and a 500 calorie dinner at night and watch the pounds fly off.  Googling away from the marketing/sales websites was a different story.  'These aren't Grandma's cookies," said one.  'Kind of tasted like nothing', said another.  Maybe those success stories were paid to say they lost 20 lbs.  Ya' think?  Maybe I'm an idiot to think this could work.  I say, I'm gonna see what I can come up with.

There appear to be several low-calorie, low-carb, no gluten, no nothing recipes out there.  I'm giving this a shot to see if it's even possible.  These will not be Paleo, Vegan or organic and if they are, it's just how the cookie crumbled.  Sorry.  They will have Splenda, Splenda Brown Sugar Blend 'natural' chemicals in them but since I've been pouring Sweet 'n Lo in my coffee since it replaced the saccharin my Grandma always had around, I should have something weird by now growing someplace besides my hips.  So here's my idea of  yummy 'diet' cookies/snacks--and instead of eating 5-6/day I'm going to keep these down to 2-3 MAX.  If my ass hips start looking like Britney's, I'll package and sell 'em.  If I do really lose 10 lbs in some reasonable amount of time, I'll let you know.  If I don't, I'll lie about it--just kidding. Oh, throw in at least 30 minutes on the treadmill, elliptical or dog walk once a week every day you can.  It's good for the dog, your heart and gets the dust and ironing off the gym equipment.

Some information you might not give a darn about find useful if you want to try these.  Almond flour (which you can buy at a ridiculously increased price above regular flour) is available at most grocery stores (and Amazon.com) albeit in the ethnic or gourmet (why?) sections of your grocery store; Bob's Red Mill Almond Meal/Flour, for example.  Almond flour is nutty (no kidding) and slightly sweet so you can use less sugar/Splenda in the recipes.  It makes great bread, too.  Almond flour is a low-carb, great-tasting replacement for regular flour--it reduces carbs by 75%!  That's a really big deal when you want to stuff your face with bread and cookies and know better when trying to get over the menopudge.  It has Vitamin E, Calcium, Magnesium and trace Copper so there's added good stuff in it and the other ingredients.  A 1/4 cup almond flour does have 160 calories but since we will not be sitting down with a spoon and eating it out of the bag, I'm counting on Splenda, eggs, a tiny bit of old-fashioned oats to fill out the filling and keep it thin so to speak.  I'm going to be experimenting with several ideas over the coming days/weeks. These low-carb treats are certainly diabetic friendly as long as you don't eat the whole batch.  Believe me, these don't even begin to taste Atkinsy and icky.  They are really, really good.

Almost 100 Calorie Low-Carb Cookies
 Preheat oven to 350 degrees

4 TBSP Peanut Butter (crunch or creamy--it doesn't matter, same calories)
1 egg
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp vanilla

1/4 c Splenda Brown Sugar Blend
1 c almond flour/meal
1/4 c old fashioned oats
1/4 c pecans

Blend  first five ingredients in medium sized bowl.  Add sugar blend, almond flour and oats.  Stir until mixed and add pecans.  The pecans are optional but they do add a nice crunch and flavor if you're not allergic or a pecanaphobic.

Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and drop by: a) tablespoon/cookie scoop for 115 calorie/4 carb cookies or, b) teaspoon sized for less than 100 calorie and 1 less carb.  Bake for approximately 15 minutes or until edges brown.  Remove from oven, cool on racks and have yourself a nice glass of milk and a couple of cookies.  These are so healthy I can hardly stand it.  Of course, moderation in all things...right? Nah...will power, baby.

Bon bon!

Chocolate Chip Addiction or Julia Must be in My Kitchen

When I was looking for something to take to the Spring Shiloh Shepherd dog show this past weekend something wonderfully sinful, easy to transport and one of those 'OMG, who made these?' cookies, I came across this decadent recipe. 

Yes, I have expensive dogs--aren't they all?--ISSR Shiloh Shepherds -- but learned after the dog investment I am too old lazy to show said dog(s) much less breed them so we spend enormous amounts of cash on high-end dog food for said high-end dog(s), vet bills and various other stupid human things we think our dog(s) must have but not one has ever been in the dog show.  Go figure.

 

Apparently, there is a master pastry chef who must be French, I'm thinkin', (nicknamed 'Mr. Chocolate') and low-and-behold with a little Wiki-web-walking discovered this chef grew up in the South of France, bien sur.  He now owns seven shops in NYC so obviously, he knows what he's doing and who would challenge a chocolate man named Jacques' recipe who's up to his elbows in cookie dough?  That's like throwing away the winning lottery ticket because who wants more money?  It's just stupid and wrong and painfully regretful.

 

Now, you could just go out and buy those little chocolate chips in a bag and probably no one would be the wiser, and you could save yourself a LOT of time but I do love to make things just a bit more complicated, don't I?  So, you should buy a block of the very best chocolate you can buy at your grocery store, chocolate shop or import grocer.  You are going to 'chop' the chocolate into chunks so when you bite into that gooey, thick cookie your eyes will roll back in your head, you will make a little moan and then when you realize everyone is staring at you like you grew a third ear or are indulging yourself in something illicit, you will smile and say, 'I declare, doesn't everyone?'

 

Well, as things don't always go as planned and I'm sure you have visions that I have the perfect kitchen, cook with ease and every little thing is in it's place, you couldn't be more wrong on this day.  The first big piss me off moment problem started with Big Julia, my Kitchenaid mixer. Big J just didn't like the paddle attachment. I fiddled, yanked, caressed and cursed at her to no avail. So thinking something must be wrong with the attachment, I switched it for the wire thingy attachment. Nada, nothing, zilch. I now pull out my hand mixer knowing darned good and well it would not be adequate for this monster recipe but again, when I plugged it in, nothing. I reset buttons, moved to another switch on the wall, but no happy whirring sounds. I moved Big J and the hand mixer to another side of the kitchen balancing them precariously on the edge of the chopping board, plugged her in and whamo! Purred like a kitten. As I began to add the flour, things got a bit out of hand because Big J's bowl was having a devil of a time holding all that butter, sugar and 6 cups of flour. Flour went flying, and all the counters, stove, floor and the Short Dog, Agnies of Pissisi,  were part of the Pillsbury Bleached and Enriched Flour Family. 

I was so glad The Most Wonderful Husband in the World was off buying more mulch while I redesigned our kitchen's color scheme. I don't think he fully appreciates my great efforts to follow in Julia's steps (even though I've nicknamed him 'Paul')--launching rubber spatulas, hacking, slinging and wiping where no one before her dared to go.  Well, all's well. The dogs got sugar-coated and helped clean up the floor, the counters are clean once again and Julia was smiling in the corner.

 
So, fear not!  'You can DO what you must DO!' You can even mix up the dough and refrigerate it for several days or just start right in.

 

Jacques Torres' Secret Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe  (it's not a secret obviously since it was published in the NY Times and I'm blabbing about it right here)

Makes approx 25 5-inch cookies or 8 1/2 dozen 1 1/4-inch cookies--holy cow that's a lot of little cookies, isn't it?  I'm sure dividing the recipe in half is acceptable but who doesn't want dozens of chocolate chip cookies?

Ingredients:

1 pound unsalted butter
1 3/4 cups granulated sugar
2 1/4 cups packed light-brown sugar
4 large eggs
3 cups plus 2 tablespoons pastry flour*
3 cups bread flour
1 tablespoon salt (I used coarse sea salt and it gave a wonderfully salty flavor to the sweetness)
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
some milk...add a little as needed to keep mixer from exploding
2 pounds bittersweet or semi-sweet chocolate, coarsely chopped--use a large chef's knife and don't give up or you can give up and buy chocolate bits...Julia loved them.

Pounds-o-chocolate

Directions - Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment paper or nonstick baking mats--do not grease pans; set aside.  In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment (or if you don't have one, just work those triceps, baby), cream together butter and sugars.  Add eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition.  Reduce speed to low (which by now is exactly how you'll be wishing you'd asked for that KitchenAid appliance for your anniversary) and add both flours, baking powder, baking soda, vanilla, and chocolate; mix until well combined.  Using a 4-ounce scoop for larger cookies or a 1-ounce scoop for smaller cookies (or two tablespoons for large cookies or two teaspoons for little ones), scoop cookie dough onto prepared baking sheets, about 2 inches apart. Bake until lightly browned, but still soft, about 15 minutes for larger cookies.  Cool slightly on baking sheets before transferring to a wire rack.
 
*If you don't have pastry flour which I could not find anywhere,  use cake flour (mine was boxed) and bread flour.

Keep cookies away from dog(s), husbands and small children--take cookies in purse to car or reorganize your closet with a stash of cookies hidden in the laundry basket and eat until you feel really guilty.  See?  Now you can start that diet (juicing ?) you've been meaning to do just in time for those Daisy Dukes and string bikinis...well, maybe.  Doesn't everyone? ;)

Bon chocolat'

Lemon Lust Tart

When the days grow longer (because we can't seem to make up our minds about Spring) and the air is heavy with the dampness of rain, budding trees and teasing us daily with blushes of color as the ground wakens, I long lust for something light, fresh and French. What could be better than a tart au citron? Nothing, sil vous plait. This recipe will have you reaching for your flip flops and a bikini beach towel. The dough is completely unorthodox but simple because you don't even use a rolling pin.  It bakes into the flakiest, butteriest dough you have ever tasted.  The lemon curd filling is tart and uses very little sugar. If there are fresh strawberries to top it off, all the better.

Don't wait another minute. GO MAKE THIS! You will feel like a lemon tree just exploded in your mouth...in a really, good way.

LEMON LUST TART (adapted from David Lebovitz' Tarte au Citron)

Crust
Preheat oven to 425 degrees

For one 9" tart shell
3 oz unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1 TBSP vegetable oil
3 TBSP water
1/8 tsp salt
1 slightly rounded cup all purpose flour

Put everything but flour in a medium-sized oven-proof bowl (I told you this was unconventional cooking), place in oven for 15 minutes until butter is bubbly and browning at the edges.
Be very careful and with oven mitts remove bowl from oven and again being careful, dump flour into bowl, stir quickly until ball forms and it pulls away from sides of bowl.

Put dough in tart pan and lightly spread in bottom of pan with spatula (see, you don't even have to roll this out--how easy is that?). When cool enough to handle (about 10 minutes), pat into pan with heel of your hand and with your fingers, smoosh into sides of tart pan.

Prick the dough with a fork all over then bake for 15 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from oven.
Turn off oven to cool down to 350 degrees if preparing filling below.  Let dough cool before filling.

Lemon Curd Filling
350 degree oven

1/2 c freshly-squeezed lemon juice (about 2 lemons)
grated zest of one lemon (about 1 TBSP)
1/2 c sugar
6 TBSP butter, cut into bits
2 large eggs
2 large egg yolks

In medium-sized saucepan, heat everything except eggs. Beat eggs in small bowl. When butter mixture has melted, whisk a small portion of it into the eggs, stirring constantly. Scrape the warmed eggs back into the butter/lemon mixture and over low heat, stir until it thickens and just begins to bubble around the edges.

 






 
Pour the lemon curd through a strainer pushing through with rubber spatula into the cooled tart shell. Smooth the top, put into oven for 5 minutes to set filling. Remove from oven and let cool before serving.

This dessert is full of Spring.


Bon printemps!