ELECTION BULL...BURGERS

(A satire on the election process and what it really means)

Considering the amount of bull everyone has listened to for the past...oh, year or so, it seemed right to take Election Day and celebrate our nation's favorite food...the HamBullburger.  You vegetarians will just have to find the bull in your vegetables...Freedom Fries, perhaps.  If you'd prefer a hotdog, I'm sure you can find the perfect 6" of lies in your favorite Nathan's or Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If you are a Democrat, you can grill as many Bullburgers as you can and give them to those less fortunate 47% slackards who would mooch from you anyway.

If you are a Republican, you must first tax the 95% fat of the cow and then invite your rich friends over for a middle class barbeque and write it off as a business expense.

If you are an Independent, you will most likely be unable to decide which serving has the least bull and eat chicken instead.

If you are an Undecided, you surely realize you are not capable of cooking anything, should go to bed hungry and wake up on Wednesday complaining about your government no matter who wins even though you probably didn't vote.

Since most of us have completely forgotten our high school civics and government class, the following is a refresher on this the highest most important job in the world--a lesson on what the President of the United States of America can and cannot do-do:

He can:

1. If the bullburger meat is from a foreign country, he can write a treaty to stop importing their product and denegrating the economic integrity of the US Beef Industry...with the Senate's approval...in exchange for oil--a non-political peaceful move.
2. He can sign a bill that all uninsured Americans must have the right to healthcare, socialized medicine or Canadian drugs.
3. He can grant pardons, as in the Thanksgiving turkey.
4. He can 'suggest' laws he believes will make him more popular such as flat tax, birth control and free beer on holidays.
5. He can make transfats illegal by urging Congress to pass laws that dictate what the citizens cannot eat.
6. He can address the nation and guide it on how to deep-fry a triple cheeseburger, Snickers bars or state fair turkey leg.

He cannot:

1. He cannot make a law that says you must eat sushi.
2. He cannot declare war on transfats, marijuana and asshole stupid Senators who continue to imply medically impossible body functions of the female body.
3. He cannot spend federal money on contracts to shut Donald Trump's mouth or perform a lobotomy on Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh or Fox News executives.
4. He cannot interpret laws or food labels.
5. He cannot choose his cabinet wood without Senate approval.

Here in the Midwest, you must always carry a gun, shoot your own meat, support the NRA, college football and your local anti-gay, right-to-life pundits.  For many, a conflict of interest that makes conversations difficult if you happen to have a liberal opinion about abortion, religion and/or healthcare.  You also must refuse to vote 'yes' for any city or state progress that will bring more business (income) to the area even though it might move the state from number one on teen pregnancy and meth labs in the country to a lesser place of national recognition.  Hey, I don't make this stuff up.

So there you have it.  More bull and a lesson in government heresay and rhetoric.  I for one suggest you eat what you want, support the economy by dining/drinking at your local bar, cafe or restaurant, turn off the TV and radio and try to believe the Truth...whatever that is... AND GO VOTE!  There's a good possibility it will be December before we know who was actually elected anyway so try to remain calm, be happy for the electoral college and start getting ready for the holidays. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Just be kind to one another no matter who wins.

Bull appétit!