Road Trips, Tattoos and Merde

Why

 Road trips.  Remember when we used to pile into the back of the station wagon or the huge backseat of your parents car and head out of town for a week or two of extremely close family time?  No seat belts, a sack full of sandwiches, a thermos of coffee, a Mason jar of water, some homemade chocolate chip cookies and you whiled away the miles listening to your Dad read Burma Shave signs and fell asleep to the rhythm of the tires keeping time with the tar stripes on the highway.

Well, dream on because now you just hope and pray you don't get killed by someone texting or a  guy with a concealed weapon firing off a round because you drove too slow in the passing lane.  For me, the possibility of peeing in my pants is far more serious when the last gas station for 50 miles had two toothless Deliverance types sitting out front and the restrooms consist of an outhouse too far out back.

Now, before you can leave the house, my Mom's rule was that everything needed to be left 'clean' which made absolutely no sense to me.  If you weren't going to be there, why on earth did the house have to look like overnight guests were coming?  Well, 'in case you were killed in a car accident'...and would we care or know if anyone said under their breath, "They were such a wonderful family, but did you see the dust on the coffee table?  What a pity to think they would die and leave a dirty house!"  As stupid as it seemed then, it is even more stupid now since becoming Martha Stewart on Steroids is exactly what I turn into before packing a suitcase.  It's Spring Cleaning any time the house/pet sitter is coming.

When we head off on one of our many trips, be it to the airport or in the car, we always a) overpack b) forget something and c) get lost.  Getting to the final destination is only part of the adventure especially if your vehicle is equipped with the latest navigation system; i.e., Garmin, I-maps or Loretta Always Lost--our constant voice companion who seems to be morphing into HAL from '2001, A Space Odyssey'.  For example, we always get three route selections: green-fastest, blue-fastest with interstate, tolls roads, etc and orange-longest drive through parts of the country you can't find on a map.  We naturally select shortest and logically should be faster than longest but this has not been the case recently.  Loretta's mappy brain has evolved and not in a good way.  She is giving more and more instructions that often put us on a business or scenic route adding hours to the ETA.  We do not like Loretta and we often tell her so and it's a good thing the windows are up when we argue in profane words and languages at her ignorance.  Never trust a woman with a voice like velvet that you cannot see.  She is a liar.  It's about as smart as giving a telemarketer your bank account over the phone.

You never know what you'll find when you arrive at your destination.  Third floor Europe 'with a lift' is actually four flights up a narrow staircase with a broken elevator and timed lights that turn off just when you're trying to figure out the four sets of keys for the medieval door into your 300 square foot apartment.  A 'beautiful view' might be overlooking the town square directly out your bathroom window waving to the passersby with a bar of soap in your hand.  C'est la vie!

There are some things, however, I just cannot abide by and accept no matter where I go.  Let's talk about tattoos.  Don't get me wrong, I have one.  It's the smallest Toulouse Lautrec cat ever inked on the human body at the base of my spine on THE most painful spot of the anatomy.  After giving natural birth to four children, one would think my pain tolerance is right up there with turn of the century dental work but either the French have incredibly mean needles or I'm the biggest baby they ever put ink on.  I didn't know I could sweat with half of my rear end exposed to a skinny artiste for one hour and a miniature chat noir I'd never see without a mirror.  But sweat and moan I did from the sheer ecstasy of the moment.

So, I'm calling out some of you not-so-pretty ladies.  While sitting at a lovely cafe in the French Quarter, countless young females walk by with less than warm enough clothes so we can all appreciate their ink.  Seriously, a half shoulder tank top exposing your goose bumps and cartoon character inked in comic book colors across your shoulder blade made you look rather...colorful.  We have no idea what your tattoo is--scar camouflage?  Coupon day at 'Tattoos, Furniture & More' (and that's a real store in Rogers, AR)?  I nearly spewed my beignet when a large-thighed woman wearing shorts that did not cover those thighs was proudly strutting her bruise-looking tattoo in ancient Japanese that when interpreted probably said 'I have huge thighs' strolled by way too slowly.  Let me just say if you have cellulite (and most everyone does who's over the age of 30), please cover it because all we can do is hope we don't go blind by staring into the sun to avoid looking at your legs.  That's why capris were created.  Wear them.  I don't leave home without them.

As we conclude our latest journey along the Gulf Coast of America, we have rocked out to The Eagles, ZZ Top and other great bands while stuck on the interstate, laughed at our plethora of idiot techno and useless inventory of same (most likely due to our age-related attitudes) and spent long evenings sitting on the deck gazing at the giant Live Oak whose branches reach out and touch your soul with history and wisdom to survive so long.  We are travelers full of love for each other and the places we discover.

So, until next time...
Laissez les bons temps rouler, y'all.

A Lesson in European Breakfasts

Happy Spring...just kidding y'all. The Great Canadian Tease is taking place nearly nationwide with daffodils one day and ice gardens the next. N'oreasters and blizzards are pounding the East coast.  

Why couldn't the sun gods put us on an island where it's warm every day of our lives?  The dogs don't even want to go outside and do their business. I've gone through about 500 lbs. of birdseed, watched every movie on TV,  rewatched our DVD's and am certain I will begin a new chapter of insanity very soon.  Totally ready for sunscreen, shrimp on the barbie and deck time.

Well, Eskimo friends, we can all sit on our hibernated, white, winter butts and whine about it with cabin fever at an all-time high right up there with The Shining or we can try to escape with breakfast.  I said breakfast.  You won't wake up in Nice, but it will distract you for a moment or two and it doesn't have to be something you spend an hour at the stove doing.  It is elegant, easy, delicious and believe it or not, does not include bacon and eggs.  We Americans (especially midwestern, cowboy types) tend to forget the art of breakfast and you don't have to eat yogurt out of a plastic cup or run through McDonald's for a super calorific-McExcuse-Me-I'm-in-a-Hurry worthless meal.

When I traveled in Europe, the mornings were something to look forward to.  Such a simple start to the day with fresh fruit, pastries, bread, butter, jam, juice and great coffee (most of the time).  When you have to go down three or five flights of stairs to buy a baguette or croissant, then back up again, you don't worry about calories especially when you'll be going back down those stairs again to start exploring the sites...on foot.  European sight-seeing definitely burns
more calories because you rarely step foot in a car to get anywhere--unless you're driving through Italy looking for a place to stay, lost and dodging sheep, farmers and high-speed scooters on the back roads.  I'm sure the anxiety knocks off a pound a day when you haven't ended up in jail for driving onto the piazza during a military parade or getting another ticket for parking at a traffic sign that says Stop or No Parking.  I lost five lbs. staying out of jail.

With very little preparation, you can enjoy this experience at home with no fear of arrest.

Just dream a spell...

 

that you are sitting in a garden in Tuscany or

              

enjoying the view from your balcony in Paris.

Your continental petit dejuener:

All you need is fresh or frozen fruit--blueberries, strawberries, bananas, apples--some pecan pieces--a baguette, croissants, some strudel, granola, honey, creamy butter and your favorite jam--whatever you like.

Voila! Simple, fresh and healthy.
Cut-up the banana and apple into bite-size pieces, blend into the blueberries, add a splash of lemon juice, a light coating of honey, serve it in a pretty bowl and top it with pecans and some creme fraiche for an indulgent savoring.  Slice the baguette, heat the strudel and pour yourself the best cup of coffee you can buy.  Hit the cobblestones and lose yourself.

Bon appetit!

Far away

in the land of summer

the sand is hot and

 the water is lapping at your toes.

Winter Pumpkin Biscuits

Icy, short cut roads to office

Well, winter hit here with the ice, sleet and about 6" of snow.  That may not sound like much to our Northern neighbors but it is not something we Prairie folks look forward to.  There is a serious shortage of snowplows so our roads are constantly being over-sanded and salted on top of ice.  Why the city street engineers haven't figured out that the melting top layer only adds to the inch-thick ice to form an equally hazardous top layer of yet more ice seems to me it ain't rocket science, but what would I know.  Anyway, it's close enough to the holidays that for some people, this puts them into a jolly mood.  For others, sheer panic with the added 'winter storm warnings' (that's 'snizzle'/snow-ice drizzle and/or light, freezing 'sprinkleage'), and the sad yet comic rush at the grocery stores.  Snow Armageddon!  Not a loaf of bread or gallon of milk on the shelves and long lines at the checkout.  It is apparent that no one knows how to make bread anymore, much less do without milk for a couple of days.  The French figured this out as they have shelf-life, non-refrigerated milk, croissants and baguettes no matter the weather or revolution.  Mon dieu!

For me, I just put on my fuzzy houseshoes, fluffy robe and head straight to the kitchen after my cup of coffee.  I just bought several cans of pumpkin that were on sale (mostly for our dog to keep the other dog out of her...shall we say digested food droppings?) and pulled out one of my favorite, old standy cookbooks, A Taste of Georgia.  Does anyone ever have too many cookbooks?  I don't care how high-tech we may be or might become, I love my collection of cookbooks and it constantly grows.  It's just not the same staring at a screen on the tablet or PC when you can hold that book in your hands, turn the pages and see the pictures.  OK, back to the pumpkin.

The recipe I wasn't really looking for was actually for sweet potato biscuits but the pumpkin on hand was a perfect substitution and these are fast, warm and wonderful when you don't want to do anything but sit in your pj's and hibernate.  You probably have everything you need right in your pantry.  There's nothing fancy about these and you can make them plain or spicy/sweet.  Home bears need their nourishment when the days are dark and long.

Winter Pumpkin Biscuits
(makes 5-10 depending on how thick your roll your dough)

Heat oven to 400 degrees
Parchment line or Pam a baking sheet

Mix dry ingredients in bowl:
1 c all purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
3 tsp baking powder
Optional: 1 tsp cinnamon, 1 TBSP sugar--I had planned on making these plain and drizzling with honey but didn't have any honey...bears must have found it.  So, the cinnamon/sugar gives a lovely aroma and slightly sweet flavor to the biscuits.

Cut in 4 TBSP cold butter
add:
1 c canned pumpkin (plain)
1/2 c milk
Blend lightly and turn out on a floured work area.  You want a workable dough--not too stiff but one that holds its shape.
Roll out to whatever thickness you like your biscuits--I made these about 1" thick so they would hurry and bake but you can make them fatter--just cook longer.
Cut with a biscuit cutter or small juice glass, place on baking sheet and bake for 20 minutes or until slightly browned on top.  Sprinkle with more cinnamon sugar and serve with big chunks of sweet butter.

It might be the only reason I can like being in the Tundra right now.  Doesn't stop me from dreaming about a beach somewhere, however.

Happy Shiloh Snow Trot

Oh well, the Big Dog is happy.

Bonne chance, rester chaud!

PG-13 Chex Mix

Rated PG-13 Chex Mix

--not for children.

There's no denying when the holidays are getting close, The Best Husband in the World adds stock value to the cereal and nut manufacturers by purchasing large volumes of food items to make the best Chex Mix anywhere.  This is a recipe handed down and tweaked to perfection.  You can up the heat factor but whatever you do, don't leave out the hot spices.  Heartburn is worth it in this case and it is addictive.  I don't think you can check yourself into a Betty Ford clinic but you can probably join Weight Watchers after sitting around watching football (BOOMER! SOONER!) and chowing on bowls of Mix.  It's definitely worth the extra calories.  A batch of this will make about 2-2 gallon ziplocs so there's plenty for your guests but just in case, you should probably Make A Lot.

You'll want to go check out your spice pantry.  If you've never heard of 'Fines Herbs' we couldn't find it here until we went to a specialy store but you usually can find it at your grocer in the rest of the inhabited USA.  Fines Herbs is a combination of parsley, chives, tarragon, chervil, marjoram, cress, cicely and lemon balm.  It is not pungent but it is a key ingredient so don't leave it out.  You also might want to grab the wine, beer or your hot chocolate because unlike some 'Mix' recipes, this is a slow agonizing process.  I'm sure you could speed it up by eliminating some of the intervals but that's up to you.  I always start stealing handfuls as soon as it gets hot and the kitchen is filled with all the spicy goodness that puts me under its spell and makes me start sneaking bowls bites when hubby isn't looking.

Spice It Up Chex Mix

200 degree oven

5 c EACH: Wheat Chex, Rice Chex, Corn Chex (and you can definitely use a store brand)
4 c Stick Pretzels - the twist pretzels get too hard so use sticks
4 c Mixed Nuts - keep your eyes out for sales and coupons!

1 c Canola or Vegetable Oil
2 TBSP Worchstershire Sauce
2 tsp EACH: Tobasco, Liquid Smoke

Spices:
2 tsp EACH: Garlic Salt, Chili Powder
1 tsp EACH: Onion Salt, Fines Herbs
1/2-1.5 tsp Cayenne (you decide how hot you want your mouth and belly to burn)

3 large aluminum disposable turkey-size pans (buy them at the dollar store)

Mix cereal, pretzels and nuts in one pan.  Blend together oil, W Sauce and Liquid Smoke in small bowl and pour half over cereal mix.  Stir to coat.  Mix spices in smal bowl and sprinkle over oiled mix.  Blend well, pour remaining oil mixture over cereals and stir until coated.  Divide mix into two pans.  Place in oven for 15 minutes.

Remove from oven, dump one pan into empty pan, stir gently and repeat with other pan.  You are going to be doing this for the next two hours--every 15 minutes.  Yes, two hours!  Patience is a virgin virtue and that is exactly why I don't cook this.  Hubby has the patience of grass growing so he gets all the credit, I get to eat the Mix and blame him for my holiday thighs.

Bon Caliente!

Autumn Almond Apples-Gluten Free and Vegetarian

This past weekend was most likely the last, gorgeous, warm one we'll have this fall until next spring.  With so many apples and a wonderfully, simple dish idea originating from Manger (one of my favorite visual food/fantasy life blogs www.mimithorisson.com), a beautiful breakfast/dessert from the Medoc region of France was born.  If there was ever a place and lifestyle we could aspire to live, Bordeaux would be it, bien sur.

This is super easy and fast and a great-tasting use for almond flour*--Gluten-Free, vegetarian and organic, if you choose to make it so.  Better than apple dumplings and definitely not going to kill any diet you might be on or thinking about.  Aren't we always?

Autumn Almond Apples

Preheat over to 350

1 TBSP honey
1/3 c almond flour
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 egg yolk
1.5 TBSP butter
2 apples--choose flavorful types such as Jonagold, Fuji, Pink Lady
small handful of chopped pecans

Rinse and dry apples.  Cut the top 'hat' off of the apples and set aside.  Core apples which in my case require a corer, knife and spoon and managing to not cut off a finger.  Put apples in baking dish.  If they fall over, level the bottom of the apples with that sharp knife.

In a small bowl, mix almond flour with cinnamon, egg yolk, honey and 1 TBSP butter.  Fill cored apples with flour mixture, top with chopped pecans and apple hat.  Dot with remaining butter.

Bake for 20-25 minutes until apples are tender.  Serve hot.

I should have made twice as many so be warned.  They are that good.

Bon pomme!

*A special note about where I buy
Almond Flour:  www.pureformulas.com is a wonderful website, free shipping and great prices on everything they sell, including coconut oil, vitamins and almond flour.

Cider Smoked Sausage

Grilled, smoked sausages simmered with pears in a rich sauce on a chilly fall night will put some much needed heat in your belly especially if you add some chipotle or jalapeno peppers--completely optional.   

Lately, doesn't there always seem to be something missing, wrong, disgusting or plain silly in some of the ideas today's so-called chefs/cooks come up with?  Everybody that gets their face on TV or in a magazine tries their best to complicate things.  Sometimes you don't have to add anchovies or macadamia nuts to come up with a great-tasting dish.  And to add to my media misery, if you live in the country, on a farm or just discovered organic vegetables, you're an expert with a 30-minute show on the Food Network.  Do we really need another cooking show?  On the ridiculous end of the gamut, you can watch 'chefs' running around in a grocery store like out-of-control kids racing grocery carts and then cooking in a makeshift kitchen next to a checkout lane.  Seriously?  That's almost worse than the ladies at the 'club' stores giving out free samples where I'm too embarrassed for all y'all standing in lines to taste a thimble-sized sample of Cheeze Whiz or chicken nuggets to get in line behind you.  Now if this bassakwards state ever passes laws to give out wine samples, I might push you out of the way, however.

Cook this, serve it up with a baked or mashed potato and whatever else you want and you'll have an easy, delicious hearty meal.  We splurge on the weekends and indulge ourselves with carby potatoes and hot bread. We're crazy like that.

Cider Smoked Sausage

optional--1 chopped chipotle or jalapeno pepper

2 pears of your choice, cored, sliced and chunked
3/4 c apple cider
1 TBSP stone ground mustard
12-16 oz smoked pork sausages or brats
2 TBSP butter

In a skillet, saute pears in 1 TBSP butter for 2-3 minutes, stir the mustard into the cider and pour over pears.  Add peppers if you desire the fire.  Cook about 10-15 minutes over high heat until sauce has reduced and thickened.

While pears are cooking, heat grill and cook sausages.  When sausages are done, add them to pears in skillet, cover and cook another 5 minutes.  Just before serving, stir in remaining butter.

You could also use pork chops in place of sausage.

Now, butter those potatoes, throw on a chunk of bread and stay warm.

Bon Petits Cochons!

Apple Cider Crumble

 

 

How y'all been doin'?  You're probably thinking I fell off the face of the earth.  No, I didn't (obviously), or stopped cooking or ran off to Paris never to be heard from again, mais non!  (we can wish).  I've just been busy as a cat in a birdcage these past few months.  With vacations, baby showers and Halloween, there's hardly been time to do anything even though I thought about a lot of stuff I should have been doing...just didn't do it.  

A trip to Florida with The Best Husband in the World just made us want to stay there and that alone is not conducive to doing anything except sitting by the pool with a tiny, little beverage to while away the days soaking up sun and listening to the water.
 
With the upcoming granddaughter's arrival in January, we threw one heckuva Halloween-themed baby shower and that alone took weeks of preparation.  We don't do 'small' around here so our efforts were much impressed by those in attendance.  I made a fondant baby mummy cake (and unless you make your own fondant, it is hideous and gross-tasting but so pleased with my first effort even though we threw it away later!)  Decided before hubby tossed those faded pink flamingos, I should find the artist in me and make Skelingos and if I do say so, the Salvador Dali transformation was worth the effort.

We have just put away numerous crates of scary decor just in time to start pulling out yet even more numerous crates of holiday decor--a truly big ordeal in this gorgeous, old house.  So, bear with me while I get back in the saddle and start messing in the kitchen and doing those domestic holiday things we do around here.

When the last days of fall are quickly disappearing, it's time to put away the charcoal grill, swimsuit cover-ups and pool floats so we can focus on apples.  Forget about pumpkins--they're just too much trouble for me to bother with so we'll just skip the pumpkin pie recipes and move right on to apples.  The ones that crowd the shelves every day of the year just don't have the flavor like a good, crisp, fall apple that's been shipped from the north and somehow not turned to mush by the time it arrives in buffalo country.   I'm sure there are folks out here who have their own apple trees, but we aren't one of them.  Who am I kidding?  We couldn't get a darned cucumber or cantaloupe to grow this summer so fruit trees are out of the question.   I'm still picking tomatoes, however midgetious and scrawny.  Well, there I go again...drifting onto a whole 'nother topic of angst and disappointment. 

Now, if you don't normally put apples on the top of your fruit list as a favorite, well, me either. However, this easy, mostly kinda sorta low(er) calorie breakfast or dessert dish must be tried--and when I say lower calorie, you decide if a small portion will sit on your rear end or if you can get by with a bowlful of indulgence.   When I started making this, I was just going to make applesauce with the four apples sitting on the counter.  But, it seemed only natural to cook them in apple cider with some spices and just a teeny smidgeon of sugar and Stevia (because I always feel less guilty about adding sugar if I cut it with a natural sweetener).  When these started to cook down, I simply could not smoosh them into applesauce and decided some oats, brown sugar and butter with chopped pecans would be so much better.  I was right, of course.  The cider gave a whole new flavor to the apples.  It's done in half an hour and I'm betting you have everything you need right in your cabinets.  Ok, so we don't usually have apple cider sitting around either but it's easy to get your hands on this time of year.

I do wish we had some hard cider...the kind the Europeans and English have with a little kick and the 'Surprise!...you fell off your stool' kind of cider.  However, this recipe is stone, sober so feel free to serve it to your kids, grandmothers and any other non-imbibing acquaintances.

APPLE CIDER CRUMBLE
Preheat oven to 350 degrees

4-5 apples for 3-4 small servings--any type apple except Delicious--they are sooo boring
cut apples in quarters, remove seeds and cut into chunks
1/4 c sugar
2 tsp Stevia or whatever measurement your natural sweetener calls for (honey would also work)
1.5-2 c Apple Cider
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp apple pie spice mix (or more cinnamon, nutmeg and ground ginger if you have some)

Mix all in medium saucepan, cook over medium heat covered for about 10 minutes, then remove cover and continue cooking until cider has reduced about half and apples are fork tender.  Set aside.

Mix 1/2 c steel cut or old-fashioned oats with
1/4 c brown sugar
1/4 c melted butter
Add 3/4 c chopped pecans

Put apples in 9" square (or approximate) glass or metal pan with a small amount of juice.  Save the remaining cider for a hot, toddy cup of yum.
Top apples with oat mixture, place in oven and cook for 20-30 minutes until top browns.

I'm bettin' Johnny Appleseed never had apples like these--delish.

Bon appletit'

Bonita Beach, Naples FL